Would you let your teenage daughter, and her boyfriend, share a bed if he slept over your house? Do you let your daughter’s boyfriend sleep over your house?
About a year ago, my boyfriend’s daughter asked us if her boyfriend, whom we like, could spend the night. We were going skiing the following morning and it would be saving him a trip. My boyfriend knew where I stood on the subject. NO FUCKING WAY!
After a some cajoling and guilt, I caved. We put him in the basement on a futon. We made it perfectly clear that this was not to become a habit. For me, this falls under the broad category of boundaries (mine), respect, and good old fashioned values. We’re not running a brothel here people.
When I was a senior in high school, I asked my pot-smoking, Kerouac reading, and consciousness raising attendee parents if my boyfriend could sleep over. It was after nine o’clock and he only had his permit at the time. They agreed but they weren’t excited about the idea.
He slept in the guest room down the hall. And in the middle of the night, he tiptoed 50 feet down to my bedroom, and we had sex. We thought we’d pulled one over on my parents.
The next morning, we sat at the kitchen table with my parents and had breakfast. I looked over at my mother’s face, and her clenched jaw. Something was wrong.
My mother turned to me, her eyes like daggers, pierced through to my very soul. She uttered three little words that would affect me for the rest of my life.
“How dare you.”
There was nowhere to hide. There wasn’t any point in acting like I didn’t know what she was talking about or coming up with some lame excuse.
“What do you mean? He had a hang nail, and was looking for nail clippers and then he accidentally feel on top of me and.
I was royally embarrassed. I had disappointed her, and I had disrespected she and my dad (who never heard a thing, thank god) I had betrayed their trust in the most sordid and humiliating way.
Now, with my boyfriend’s kids, I must see to it that I will never be put in the same position as I’d put my mother in. I have my mothers steely look seared into my brain, to ensure that there won’t be any co-ed sleepovers on my watch.
I told my sons and daughters that if they were old enough to have the person they were dating stay over night, they were also old enough to move out on their own. When they are living in their own place that they are paying for, they can have who ever they want stay over when ever they want but it wasn’t going to happen under my roof as long as i was the one paying.
That’s what my mom used to say, so if it was good enough for her, then it’s good enough for me. Thanks for stopping and adding your thoughts… which by the way, are the correct thought!
But you live with and sleep with your “boyfriend” right? Maybe if you let them spend the night together, then the allure of “doing something naughty” or “getting away with it” won’t be there, and thus without a challenge, there is little excitement.
Lemon drop, I’m 46! NOT 18. Huge difference. Yeah, I thought about that angle, for about a minute. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I think it’s something that parents say to make themselves feel better because it is a sticky situation. xox
Your last line *is* jarring. And I don’t even think you mean it. Perhaps you meant, “When they are older and in a truly committed relationship as opposed to a fleeting high school romance, they’ll earn more flexibility from me.” But to arbitrarily draw a line at “marriage,” seems pointless. Kids don’t see the nuance you’re expecting from them; and while you’re right that there’s a difference between their sleeping together unmarried and your sleeping with their father (unmarried), the reasons for that difference probably need to be made clear.
You’re right. I don’t mean it!
Atta girl! Amen…I can’t tell you how many friends I had back in the…ahem…*cough cough* 80’s had parents who let them have honey’s sleep over. I didn’t get it then, and I don’t get it now.
Even my 22 year old son, who has a child with his long time girlfriend, is not allowed to have her over to sleep when he’s home on leave.
Why?
Because they’re not married and I have five other children I’m raising.
Oh, and because I SAID SO! 🙂
That’s exactly right… because I SAID SO. I shouldn’t even have to give a reason. Thank you for reading, commenting and most importantly, agreeing with me! xo
Of course I agree with you…birds of a feather 🙂