A Really Intimate Portrait… Of a Complete Unknown

A parody of Lifetime Television’s Intimate Portrait series. A real look at the frivolous, and marginal accomplishments of a nobody, who, by the end of the show, will look like a somebody. A Really Intimate Portrait … of a Complete Unknown poses the question: “How can you be a has-been if you’ve never been?”

FILM REVIEWS

Dani has crafted a sophisticated skewering of the cozy celebrity TV bio, and in so doing manages to be twice as interesting and ten times funnier than the form’s typical real-life subjects. Witty, and engaging. Don Roos, (The Other Woman, The Opposite of Sex, Happy Endings)

Comedienne/writer/director/Friar Dani Alpert announces the premiere of her first short film, A Really Intimate Portrait… Of a complete unknown, which screens this month at New Filmmakers. The film poses the profound question, “How can you be a has-been if you’ve never been?” Friar Alpert decided there was absolutely no reason why she, too, shouldn’t share her really intimate portrait. Frighteningly talented, Friar Alpert wrote, shot, edited and stars in this tour-de-force short-a veritable one-woman machine she is! – Alison Grambs, The Friar’s Close-Up

Writer, comedian, and performer of any and every kind, Dani Alpert spoofs Lifetime’s Intimate Portrait series by encapsulating her own life on the fringes of Hollywood. The movie is warm, funny, and engaging as Alpert luxuriates in self-deprecating humor, highlighting her failures and shortcomings and having friends deliver very faint praise. Alpert’s sheer likability makes “A Really Intimate Portrait” a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend 28 minutes. – Anna Ditkoff, Baltimore City Paper Baltimore Women’s Film Festival

Dani Alpert’s A Really Intimate Portrait…of a Complete Unknown offered herself as the subject of Lifetime’s gushingly soft-focus Intimate Portrait series, which does for women what VH-1’s Behind the Music does for rock stars: the tone of the Lifetime series is dead-on, and the friends she recruited to talk about her not-so-famous life (most of them struggling Hollywood actors themselves) were a scream. Alpert may not be famous, but she is funny, and that’s enough. – Chris Kaltenbach, Baltimore Sun

Comedian Dani Alpert offers a truly inspired takeoff on “Lifetime’s Intimate Portraits,” one with shades of that giant of all mockumentaries, Spinal Tap. The result is a hoot. Needless to say, Ms. Alpert’s success is portrayed as resting on a rather slim reed–mainly her experience as director of the annual high school musical. One of her real-life associates, comic Julia Sweeney, appears as a fawning interviewee. – Judy Oppenheimer, Reel Women – Baltimore Jewish Times

I loved it!… you nailed the Lifetime Portrait thang, down to the dissolves, and the candle behind you. Awesome… Mazel tov!… The lingerie shot at the end, sexy mama!” – Robin A., Clicksflicks.net

I have to tell you how brilliant I thought Dani’s film was. Not only was it funny, but I respect how far she she went to replicate the real show… I am a merciless critic when it comes to parodies, and I am so impressed with her diligence and precision. The montage of headshots still slays me… my favorite thing… that and her mother bragging about her son… Hilarious. – Judy Minor, Clicksflicks.net