All Roads Lead to The Vagina

I was at my dermatologist recently for my semi-annual skin check—I’ve had things.

I’m waiting in the room for the doctor, wearing my poly blend gown, and browsing through pamphlets prominently displayed on the countertop. It looked like a goddamn library.

Suck this out, laser that, freeze those and fill this. When my lady doctor entered the room, it was clear that she’d taken a page, or three, from her own library of procedures. She looked as if she personally tested the products, and had been sucked, frozen and filled. I had a completely new doctor.

I wrote about shooting up Botox, and I’m guessing that one day soon, I’ll be writing about fillers. 

I hope that I’ll stop short of vulva cosmetic surgery; not to be confused with vaginal rejuvenation. Although maybe it’s the same thing, I’m still trying to figure out what the vulva is.

Some women seek out corrective surgery, in order to make their vulva’s pretty, as if something’s wrong with it. Is there a gold standard for the vulva? Is it supposed to be symmetrical?

Is mine symmetrical? Now I have to contort my body into a pretzel to see if my vulva veers slightly off to the right like my nose does. After dinner, I’m going to throw my legs up around my head, sit on the floor in front of the mirror in my boudoir, while I watch America Ninja Warrior. I don’t want to miss the qualifying round.

Didn’t we just learn about the Clitoris? Can we take a moment to process the 411, before we get into (pun intended) the Vulva? Can we please give the vagina a day off?

Medical reasons are one thing, but those that want some manufactured vulva ideal are probably the same people, and I’m just spit balling here, that would seek out anal bleaching and taint (perineum) tightening, if given half a chance.

Go ahead ladies, alter your coos, if it will make you happy. I just want to know when I’m going to see brochures in my doctor’s office on the latest advances in penis enlargement. Let’s give equally to the male gender, offering cosmetic surgery to straighten crooked cocks. And when is that surgeon from Oslo going to develop a procedure that lifts the ball sack, like a facelift. Better yet, what about a testicle job, to turn those B balls into double D’s.