The Elephant Man Doesn’t Want to Hear You

I went to see The Elephant Man the other night with the Girlfriend Mom daughter, to celebrate her 21st birthday. What? Where did that adorable, yet slightly intimidating, thirteen year old girl go? The girl who casually asked me for a tampon the first time we met.

A theater is a theater is a theater. Whether you’re watching a live performance, a movie, ballet, opera, chamber music (ew), there is audience etiquette.

And when we adhere to these easy do’s and don’ts, it separates us from the animals; who can’t speak to their friends in loud whispers or tear open boxes of Raisinetes.

Yes, Mr. Bradley Cooper is an attractive man. However, the character that he plays in The Elephant Man, John Merrick, is not. And yet, two women sitting behind me practically gave him a cat call when he walked onstage, as if they were at a Chippendales performance. Yes, he was bare chested but he was in shorts from the 1800’s, not exactly sexiest man alive material.

That’s not the point. The point is, this wasn’t a rock concert nor were we watching him being interviewed on Jimmy Fallon. We were in the theater. He was acting. And they needed to keep their holes shut.

There are a few scenes in the play, when John Merrick (whose real name was Joseph) is beaten, and generally mistreated. The same women gasped, out loud, as if Mr. Bradley Cooper, the movie star, was being beaten right in front of their eyes. He was acting, you dumb broads. And it’s not interactive theater either.

It took everything I had not to turn around and beat them like the Elephant Man. I don’t understand the gross ignorance of how to behave in the theater.

There is a quiet moment in the play when the doctor, Sir Frederick Treves, played by Alessandro Nivola, gives a lengthy monologue. Thirty seconds in, some douche a couple of rows in front of me, thought that then would be the perfect time to open their box of raisinetes. So perfect.

No awareness, no concept of quiet. I was dumbfounded. How could they not hear the noise they were creating? Did they think that they were watching Silver Linings Playbook?

Making noise during a movie is also unacceptable but eating is tolerated while watching a film, as long as you don’t comment to your neighbor about how putting Goobers in the popcorn makes for a nice savory sweet snack, at the top of your lungs.

In spite of the Neanderthals in the audience, I enjoyed but maybe I should stick to watching television.