Meet Dani Alpert, “The Girlfriend Mom”

This month’s cover girl has a unique backstory— one you’ll learn more about in this follow-up interview. Dani Alpert is a writer, performer, Pilates instructor and filmmaker. The erstwhile journalist recently wrote a memoir about being unabashedly child-free and learning that “dating a divorced dad might be an issue” after a steamy dalliance turned unexpectedly serious.

“The Girlfriend Mom” was released in paperback on May 5, 2020. It’s available in print or as an e-book through Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other booksellers. Celebrity praise includes this entry from actress and author Ali Wentworth: “Her boobs are real and so is her attitude. Witty, engaging and sweetly sharp, she’s a new comic voice to reckon with.”

The book is a reflection on falling in love with a divorced dad of two, becoming his live-in partner and feeling like a babysitter sans compensation. Slip-ups Dani’s willing to admit to include leaving an 11-year-old home alone and making Christmas gifts out of donations to the Alzheimer’s Foundation. Spoiler alert: In the end? She was dumped for another woman.

Here Dani dishes about her seven-year foray into “semi-parenting” territory, maintaining contact with her ex-boyfriend’s children and finding validation upon befriending their mom.

Brenda: How did writing this memoir help you heal? Did you have reservations about including personal details?

Dani: Writing about this experience was the only way to understand what had happened and the emotional toll it has taken in my life. It’s only through putting the story down on paper that I was able to see clearly—for the first time—the role I played in my relationship with Julian and the kids; and not through the eyes of a smitten and lust-filled woman.

Not once did I have reservations about including the personal details. I’ve changed people’s names because I think it’s the right thing to do. This is my story and I wanted to protect their privacy. However, when it came to admitting my loss of control, hang-ups, biases and unflattering descriptions of myself, I had no qualms about putting it all out there.

Brenda: When you met and discovered he had kids, what was your initial reaction? When did you begin to think about how his child-filled life would affect your child-free one?

Dani: I didn’t think much about it when I saw him for the first time because the lust was palpable. The only thing I was thinking about was how to get into each other’s pants. I wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship, let alone a long-term one. The possibility of meeting his kids and getting involved with them, in any way, was not on my radar.

I thought we’d have some fun and that would be that. I continued on my child-free way until I met Julian’s son 10 months later. There was also a part of me that thought dating a dad was sexy. I’d never had a dad before. OK, that sounds creepy. When Julian and I were dating, he almost made it seem like he didn’t have kids. By that I mean, because he didn’t have full custody,

There were plenty of between-the-sheets weekends in our passionate love nest. He also wasn’t a braggart so it was easy for me to keep my head in the sand. As time went on, he began cancelling plans more frequently—but the implications surrounding his paternal obligations didn’t truly hit me until we moved in together.

There were times when I’d get the side-eye from Julian if I expressed a preference for not partaking in custodial weekend activities with the kids. They were his kids and his time with them. I saw myself as the girlfriend, not as someone who was required to accompany them. When I started feeling my autonomy slip away, that’s when I knew dating a divorced dad might be an issue.

Brenda: When you add children to the mix, it undoubtedly changes the romantic dynamic. How did you express and get your needs met while considering the kids?

Dani: When Julian and I weren’t with Nicole and Tyler, we were starring in homemade porn videos— figuratively speaking. Well, sort of. When we had them at our place, we toned down the PDA. I remember Tyler, then 9, coming into our bedroom to tell some rambling story and seeing Julian and I cuddled in bed together. It was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. There was an adjustment period.

Eventually I got used to Julian’s Dad persona because it was temporary: four days each month. Before too long, I was switching back and forth between my two worlds and two identities—looking, and at times feeling, like Jekyll and Hyde. Eventually Julian and I freely expressed our love for one another, openly affectionate in front of the kids. I wanted  them to see how much their dad and I loved each other.

Brenda: You were part of the kids’ lives during formative years. How do you think the experience would’ve differed if they were younger? Older?

Dani: I thought about this question many times over the seven years Julian and I were together. I wouldn’t have continued to date Julian if his kids were infants or toddlers versus 8 and 13 when he and I first met. He would’ve been more involved, I’m guessing, in the kids’ lives and his attention more divided. We wouldn’t have had the carefree and romantic dynamic that I wanted. If Julian had full custody, for example, I wouldn’t have stuck around. Instead, I received a gift wrapped up in an ideal situation with Julian and the kids. It suited my personality, my wants and my needs. I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to influence their lives and do a bit of molding while never having a “sex talk” or a need to change someone else’s kids’ stinky diaper. If the kids had been older, I might have had a different experience entirely—which is hard to imagine now.

Brenda: You formed a great relationship with the kids’ mother, Marie. How did that happen and how did it help you in the wake of your breakup?

Dani: I reached out to Marie out of sheer desperation. Julian and I stopped speaking shortly after we broke up because it was too heartbreaking and hurtful. Nicole was going to college in New York and I could see her anytime but Tyler was still living with Marie. She was the only way for me to see him. She was my gateway. I needed her if I was going to remain in Tyler’s life. After a few visits with Tyler, Marie and I started having intense conversations. It felt as if a boulder lifted off my shoulders. Not only has she validated and encouraged my relationships with her kids but she thanked me for loving them and for being a positive influence in their lives.

Our friendship made utterly bizarre sense. Who better than the ex-wife would know what I was going through? We had shared experience with our ex and we both loved Nicole and Tyler. Marie was an unexpected salve and instrumental in my healing.

Brenda: Do you still identify as child-free despite your strong bond with your ex’s children?

Dani: Yes. Motherhood had never been an aspiration nor was I interested in parenting. Then Julian and the kids happened. My strong relationships with Nicole and Tyler didn’t change my core yearning or absence, as it were. When Nicole refers to me as her stepmother to friends or to work colleagues—because it’s easier than explaining Girlfriend Mom—it tickles me.

When Tyler tells me he loves me or thanks me for being there for him, I want to cry. Living with Julian and growing up with Nicole and Tyler was so oddly and beautifully nuanced. It’s beyond explanation. And I lived it. At the same time, I don’t identify with the label stepmom. Girlfriend Mom is the closest I’ve come to a description that resonates with me which I can remotely relate to even years later.

Brenda: What are some parenting mistakes you made and learned from?

Dani: How much time do you have? I think the most egregious mistake I made was projecting my childhood shortcomings onto Nicole and Tyler and treating them in ways I’d wished my parents had with me. In those times, I failed to see the kids for who they were—and they weren’t me. When Julian and the kids said or acted in ways that made me uncomfortable, I rarely spoke up.

I let the fact that I wasn’t the “parent” cloud my judgment and, at times, I suffered in silence. It was a mistake. I came face-to-face with deep-seated jealousies. I was an adult although, when I believed that Julian’s attention was finite and there wasn’t enough to go around when the kids were with us, you wouldn’t have thought so.

Brenda: Your bonds with Nicole and Tyler keep growing even though your couple’s relationship ended. Why do you think that is?

Dani: From the start, Nicole and Tyler knew they weren’t obligated nor under any pressure to stay in contact with me. I assured them that I would love them no matter what they decided. My bond with them continues to grow because we work for it and at it. We nurture it. Lucky for me we all want the same thing—each other.

DANI ALPERT attended NYU Film School and the American Film Institute. Her first headshot was a mugshot taken after she was arrested for tagging the suburban New York town she grew up in. Ahhh, the glory days! You may have seen her film parody A Really Intimate Portrait … Of a Complete Unknown. Dani has written for Medium, Pilates Style, Hollywood Journal, theWoolfer, HuffPost, Babble and others.