My Vagina Has Bluetooth

I don’t like to brag or boast, but while my gynecologist had her face between my thighs the other day, she had to confirm my age because my hoo is (apparently) in amazing shape. It did not, as my Gyno continued, resemble that of a peri-menopausal woman; it had kept its youthful glow. 

You know why my hoo sparkles and shines like a brand new appliance? Because I’m careful what I put in it, how long it stays and what it does while it’s visiting. I bring this up, because of a product on the market that I feel is ridiculous, useless and potentially dangerous.

There’s a company, Loon Lab Inc, that’s invented a product called the LoonCup (I’m guessing the name was chosen because of the expression, crazy as a Loon) which introduces Bluetooth into a woman’s vagina.

These Loons believe there’s much to learn about a woman’s overall health by tracking her monthly flow. Funny, there’s no mention of a similar product to be inserted into a man’s penis, or up their ass, to track their overall health.

The cup collects a woman’s monthly fluid. One of the cup’s functions is to alert the user, via chime or buzzer, on their iPhone, iWatch, or laptop, when the cup runneth over and time to empty out. Sorry Android users, you won’t be able to get the cup until January 2016.

Thank goodness for this because women are too stupid to know when they’re saturated. Even when we do forget, (and we do) we eventually feel the warm liquid trickling down an inner thigh. Many a pair of white shorts has been ruined. Still, I hardly think it’s a compelling reason to hook my hoo up to Bluetooth.

The cup also tracks the color and cycle frequency. What woman doesn’t know her Aunt Flo intimately? Unless you’re color blind, I don’t need assistance. Some OBGYN’s weighed in and most of them said there wasn’t anything to be gained by looking at color. I suppose if it was black, or fuschia, you might want to see a doctor, but I’m pretty certain you don’t need a LoonCup to get you there.

This is a Kickstarter campaign. They’re hoping to raise $50,000. Don’t waste your time raising money for an orphanage in Malawi, or the UN Refugee Agency, this is far more important.

Why are people trying to get up all in my business? How about funding a product for men where healthcare professionals can track erection frequency, or what happens to the body of those suffering from ED, or how many times a day men grab their junk, or lounging on the couch watching THE VOICE.

Every other day there’s a story about how we should keep our cell phones far from our reproductive organs, and away from our heads, or stand in front of microwaves. We wear lead vests when we take X-rays of our back molars. Tampons can cause Toxic Shock Syndrome. Now Loon wants me to stick a friggin’ cup, with Bluetooth transmitting god knows what, into my youthful lady parts? 

I like Instagram and my Apple TV but I’m not looking to combine technology with my vagina. I’m picky when it comes to entering the pearly gates of my hoo. Sex toy? Sure. A choice piece of fruit or vegetable? I’m game. But I cross my legs at inserting a tracking device turning my flower into a smart device.

My flower is smart enough.