Vaginal Weightlifting

Russian weightlifters; Vasiliy Ivanovich Alekseyev, Yury Vlasov and  Ruslan ALBEGOV.

And now Tatyana Kozhevnikova, the 2009 world record holder in… Vaginal Weightlifting. What else can I say about the Russians.

So often I sit down to write and it’s pure torture trying to come up with a subject matter that I can get behind. And then there are times when golden laced gems fall in my lap; signifying that my muse is working overtime. Thank you Bernice.

And coming off of the heels of Steam Cleaning Your Vagina. Suffice to say it’s been a very pleasurable couple of weeks.

Yes, Vaginal weightlifting is here. And I’m coming late to the party. It’s been a thing, well, at least since Tatyana was crowned, Strongest Vagina In The Land in 2009. God knows if my grandmother practiced this shit in her day but was too repressed (or modest) to open her pie hole about it.

Kim Anami describes herself as a holistic sex and relationship expert. What actually constitutes an expert? Having lots of holistic sex? She is how I found out about VW.

I like this woman. She’s traveled, practiced Tantra, Taoist philosophy, gypsetted in Bali and beyond, and has a collection of couture crystals and Maribou dildos. Isn’t a Maribou a bird? I’m so confused but let’s not get too off topic.

She practices vaginal weightlifting and even offers an 8-week seminar, called Vaginal Kung Fu. I think it’s $500. A friggin bargain if you ask me. I wonder if she supplies the objects to be lifted.

I’m all for sexual empowerment, sexual energy, connecting mind, body and spirit. I jazz walk down off beaten paths, welcome unconventional systems and have dabbled in unorthodox practices.

However, I also cannot ignore the absurd, and humorous.

Kim says that us ladies can buy a jade egg, which has been pre-drilled (convenient) on one end and a string hangs down from it. Insert above egg into your cooter and tie the dangling string to any object that strikes your fancy. Easy breezy fun.

Kim has lifted, among other things, a container of cold pressed juice, dumbbells, crystals, gluten free donuts and Rambutans, an Indonesian fleshy sweet fruit. No, this was not lost on me.

But the piece de resistance is… drumroll please… a friggin surf board. I am kidding you not.

Her belief is that a strong (literally) and powerful vagina has many benefits, including better sex. She says that it’s like yoga for the vagina.

I don’t want to be argumentative or a contrarian, but when she says that lifting surf boards and small children from her cooter, strengthens the pelvic floor better than, say Kegels, I would offer that this vaginal weightlifting is more like Pilates for the vagina, not yoga. (no offense Yogis)

Pilates is all about the pelvic floor and Kegels, and better sex and I don’t have to stick an egg in my cooter, and try to lift a buffet from my vagina to get it.

Her claims:

1. Have better orgasms. By better she means, longer, deeper, more intense, and includes the ability to ejaculate.

And why do I want to ejaculate? Is this an example of feminism grandstanding? “I am woman, see me ejaculate.” Which coincidentally was Helen Reddy’s other, lesser known, chart topper.

2. Keep your internal organs lifted, strong and perhaps prevent vaginal or bladder prolapse.

Pilates! Table for one please.

3. Have an easier childbirth and recover more quickly afterward.

I’ve spoken to several Pilates instructors, and they admitted that childbirth still felt like hot andirons coming out of their vaginas, strong pelvic floors be damned. Sorry, but no guarantees there.

And let me just say that your pelvic floor can be too tight (and strong) The muscles need to be able to relax as well.

4. Up your libido. When the vagina is weak, it feels numb. Sex is infinitely more pleasurable with a sensitive and articulate vagina.

So what, now my vagina needs to be able to express itself fluently and coherently? That’s a lot of pressure.

5. Eliminate issues of urinary incontinence. Really, eliminate?

Cut To: Equinox and Crunch gyms now offering vaginal weightlifting classes for seniors.

Now that’s a snapshot I don’t ever want to see.

6. When women are dissociated from their vaginas, they are also cut off from the natural and enlivening flow of their sexual energy. When the vagina is brought back to life, that vital, life-force energy is available to you to channel into all parts of your life.

My life-force was brought back to me when I bungee jumped off of a bridge over a stream. The next time I jump, I’ll hang from my vagina.

If I vaginal weight lift, am I going to be sore the next day and not be able to have sex? That would seem counterproductive.

7. A natural facelift. When you strengthen and pull up the pelvic floor muscles, you create an energetic lift throughout the entire body, which even registers in the face. I have had clients stop using Botox after beginning their lifting practice.

I will never stop using Botox. I’m all for lifting everything that can be lifted, and I consider my pelvic floor muscles in wonderful shape but nobody has ever told me that my face, or vagina, looks more pulled up, after a Pilates session.

8. Be able to shoot ping pong balls.

Now we’re talking. Bring on the piano stool. Thailand is waiting!